ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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