garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
