I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Oh god it's open bar.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
