shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
3 2 1 whiskey
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
