You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize