Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
