I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
