i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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