Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
