Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
