My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
