hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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