I can text with my tongue
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
