Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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