Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
