Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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