Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
