My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
