took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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