If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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