It's Friday. Sex?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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