I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
