Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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