woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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