you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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