hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I think im going to throw up on grandma
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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