Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
