If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
