I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I think pants incapable of making pants work
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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