To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
