Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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