i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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