I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize