I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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