if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
