My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
