im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
