and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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