i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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