I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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