I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
