No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
