If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize