What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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