Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
