I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
