i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Someone signed my nipple.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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