it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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