bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
