Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
