Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
