i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
