He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
