i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize