Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
