On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
