I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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