i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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